- it's hard not to fall.-

2006-04-24T05:50:00.000-07:00

I enjoyed staring at the fuzzy waters of the swimming pool for like 3 hours last night. The rest of my time was spent taking care of my baby brother and fooling around with my baby cousin, Levin. For a while, I thought I was just hallucinating. Night swimming. Bright lights. Videokes. Discos. Chlorine. Menstrual cramps. The map of the Philippines in my head [I had an exam the next morning which was this morning]. The eerie text message. The terror of my coming birthday.

I almost asked for the blue moon to keep me sane.

You're texting me after three years? You're keeping in touch with me after three years? You're asking if I still know you after three years? You're asking me if I'm surprised that you suddenly popped out after three years?

Have you already forgotten that the last time we had any form of communication was also after three years?

And why on earth have you suddenly appeared in my life again if you're not going to even bother answering my messages? It pains me to think that that only message that you've given me would remain in my inbox for as long as it's possible. Talk about pathetic fossils. Besides, I myself already feel like I'm being fossilized alive.

Do I have to start counting the years again?

as wet as the sheets

2006-04-16T07:20:00.000-07:00

But I hushed and inhaled the air around me that was your breath.

I thought you were gone.

some favorite hothothot song.

2006-04-10T18:28:00.000-07:00

We've been together for so very long
But now things are changing, oh I wonder what's wrong?
Seems you don't want me around
The passion is gone and the flame's died down

I guess I lost a little bit of self-esteem
That time that you made it with the whole hockey team
You used to think I was nice
Now you tell all your friends that I'm the Anti-Christ

Oh, why did you disconnect the breaks in my car
That kind of thing is hard to ignore
Got a funny feeling you don't love me anymore

I knew that we were having problems when
You put those piranhas in my bathtub again
You're still the light of my life
Oh darling, I'm beggin', won't you put down that knife?

You know, I even think it's kinda cute the way
You poison my coffee just a little each day
I still remember the way that you laughed
When you pushed me down that elevator shaft

Oh, if you don't mind me asking, what's this poisonous cobra
Doing in my underwear drawer?
Sometime I get to thinking you don't love me any more

You slammed my face down on the barbecue grill
Now my scars are all healing, but my heart never will
You set my house on fire
You pulled out my chest hairs with an old pair of pliers

Oh, you think that I'm ugly and you say that I'm cheap
You shaved off my eyebrows while I was asleep
You drilled a hole in my head
Then you dumped me in a drainage ditch and left me for dead

Oh, you know this really isn't like you at all
You never acted this way before
Honey, something tells me you don't love me any more, oh no no
Got a funny feeling you don't love me anymore

You Don't Love Me Anymore
WEIRD AL YANKOVIC

this is what I learned

2006-03-15T22:49:00.000-08:00

Life is not really fair. Sometimes we get what we don't deserve and other times we do not get what we deserve.

too much heaven

2006-03-15T05:43:00.001-08:00

Nobody gets too much heaven no more
It's much harder to come by
I'm waiting in line
Nobody gets too much love anymore
It's as high as a mountain
And harder to climb

A grey car stopped by in the middle of the road. I lifted my head from the dirty ice cream that I was currently engrossed with. Then a head popped out from the window of the car - coming from the backseat. Some unknown guy smiled at me as he pouted his mouth as if to say "mwah". Then the head came back from where it came from. The car flew again towards the distance. I couldn't feel more sorry because my ice cream melted.

I like you. That was the title of his message to me. He who I've not known since the last time I was reincarnated and he who I am not planning to know anymore. Not at all. Not in this lifetime. Not even in the next. Non even in the following eternity. I opened the silly message and there I found out more unbelievably-silly-I-like-you-stuffs. My eyeballs zoomed in and out of each and every silly lines. I sort of felt dizzy. I wanted to puke.

Ugh. Bored people and boring nights like this.
You know, not everybody wants to fall in love everytime.

and then this Beegees song kept playing in my head. . .

I'll miss you

2006-03-01T17:46:00.000-08:00

. . . need I say more?

something stupid

2006-02-28T00:13:00.000-08:00

Just let me be me. Just don't bother. Just let me watch you become who you are. Just let me worship you using nothing but my eyes. Just let me delve into every part of you.

Bit
by
bit.

You're too much to be taken all at the same time.

no escape.

2006-02-26T23:37:00.000-08:00

I want you to stay with me.
But honey, you’re lost.
And so are you.
You’re lost since the moment you decided you want to come with me.
Didn’t you think about that along the way?
I haven’t got a clue.
Your arms have held me so long for me to even think of letting go.

QC at night

2006-02-19T03:49:00.000-08:00

These street lights have this certain power of mesmerizing me. I just couldn’t help but stare. These spacious roads seem like they’re never going to end. Even the night sky seems like it stretches on forever. The trucks and the jeepneys sweep the highway like there’s no tomorrow. Everybody’s rushing. Everything’s flowing. I could feel the evening breeze kissing me on the forehead. These soft lips. I could hear laughter just across the street. I could smell the nostalgia of the city as it bides time goodbye. There are hands holding in the sidewalks. There are shadows swaying behind the painted walls. I could touch the skin of the city. I could feel its heart throbbing.

Watching the city gracefully undress in front of me is just ... wow.
I've never seen it this heavenly before.

you know you don't

2006-02-18T04:31:00.000-08:00

But I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger?
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger?

Linger: Cranberries

s a i d hanggang lalamunan.

2006-02-01T07:10:00.000-08:00

hazy eyes.

trembling fingers.

falling hair.

so, this is how it feels, huh?

monday sickness.

2006-01-30T06:03:00.000-08:00

this one's for sure:

I'll never have enough of you.

you are so beautiful.

sky-diving. i love.

2006-01-29T05:11:00.000-08:00

Things change. People change. Even memories change.

I do not have to explain what has happened to me.
Why did I turn into what I am now and
if I am happy with the present that we are aware of.

I do not have to explain everything - and anything at all.
I suppose you'll have the answers for your own questions in time.

sukdulan.

2006-01-25T03:12:00.000-08:00

tama.

sabi nga ni idol Ricky Lee, "nasaktan ka? damhin mo."

ngayon, isa na 'to sa pinaka-tamang panahon para lasapin at ibuhos ang ganda ng sakit.
kung sa bagay, ako na rin naman ang naghasik ng lagim noong una pa lang at nagsabing
"pain is beautiful".

may mangilan-ngilan din naman ang nahawaan nung nakagat ko sila.

pero matagal ko na namang alam. may kakaiba talagang "tulak" ang ginagawa sa'ken ng sakit. pait. aray. aruy. aaaahhh. pakiramdam ko nagiging mas tao ako kapag nalalagay ako sa ganong sitwasyon. hindi lang tao kung hindi, mas mabuti, mas maganda (at syempre maganda) at mas may kwentang tao.

sabi NIYA (yon na yon) nga minsan, "turn your pain into something beautiful."

o di sige. tama ito na nga yun.
at tutal ikaw naman ang may kagagawan ng lahat ng 'to
sige saluhin mo lahat ng ganda ng sakit ko.
lahat lahat.
itotodo ko na.
ibabalik ko na lahat sa'yo.

uulitin ko. lahat lahat.

sa bawat titik. tuldok. pangungusap. imahe.
sa bawat daloy ng emosyon. luha. ngiti. kunot ng noo.
sa bawat boses at pagkumpas na manggagaling sa mga tauhan ko.
sa bawat pangalan. tagpuan. oras.
sa bawat simula at katapusan.

ang kwento natin.
kwento nating may simula pero walang katapusan.
kaya nga ako na lang ang gagawa ng katapusan.
pati ng gitna at kinabukasan.

pero kung hindi mo man magustuhan, sana tanggapin mo na lang.

am lovin' this.

2006-01-23T04:59:00.000-08:00

"there is no such thing as ENOUGH."

~ Queer as Folk

very well said, baby.

I realized.

2006-01-21T02:16:00.000-08:00

1. I want to travel the world in a mission. I want to reach out to as many people as possible. I want to learn more about their lives, their cultures. I want to help those who are in need. I want to influence and be influenced by people of different races. I want to share myself with them. At whatever man yun na matutunan ko sa iba’t – ibang kulturang ito ay dadalhin ko dito sa Pilipinas. Para sa mga Pilipino. Para sa ikabubuti nating lahat. At syempre vice-versa. I know there are lots of things that I, as a Filipino, could share to other races.

2. I will never be afraid to say NO and go against the flow if needed, if I wanted to. I’ll always make sure that I stick to my principles without being deaf to the opinions of others. Hindi ko gagawing importante ang mga bagay na hindi naman talaga importante para sa’ken.

3. Hindi ako magpapakasal pero hindi ibig sabihin na hindi ako mag-aasawa. Yup. Those two may be contradictory – but nor for me. Of course, I am looking forward to a lifetime (forever pwede rin) partner but I don’t think that marriage is of any essence to it. Ang gusto ko kase, magsstay kami pareho sa relationship namen hindi dahil kasal kame kung hindi dahil gusto namin talaga. Kung susuriin naten, totoong mas mahirap ang ganitong setting, pero para saken mas totoo ‘to. Since hindi kame bonded by any law (heavenly or manly), mas madali ang kumalas at gumawa ng kalokohan. In short, mas madaling humanap ng iba. Mas mahirap i-preserve and relationship sa ganitong set-up. Pwede naming iwanan ang isa’t-isa anytime na makahanap kami ng iba naming gusto. Hindi kami magsstay sa relationship dahil kasalanan (sa batas ng tao at Diyos) ang adultery (dahil hindi nga kami kasal) kung hindi dahil dito sa relationship naming to talagang natagpuan ang pagmamahal, peace at home na gusto namen. Wala kaming basbas ng kahit ano o ng kung sino. Wala kaming papeles na pipirmahan. SIncerity lang namin sa isa’t-isa ang mapanghahawakan namen. Yun lang. At in the end, kung kami pa rin talaga, ibig sabihin hindi kami nagstay na magkasama dahil iyon ang sinumpaan naming salaysay sa harap ng Diyos at sa harap ng tao kundi dahil yun ang sumpa namin sa isa’t-isa – at hindi lang sumpa kung hindi, yun talaga ang pinili namen dahil yun talaga ang gusto namen.

4. Hindi ako magko-commit sa isang bagay o tao kung hindi ko rin naman makikita ang sarili ko dun. Kung hindi ko rin naman matatagpuan ang level ng lalim ng koneksyong hinahanap ko. In short, kung wala naman siyang kwenta at meaning para saken. kung hindi rin naman niya ko hinahayaang mag-grow as a person.

5. Hindi rin ako papasok sa isang relationship kung wala rin namang equality. Kung mapipilitan lang akong gawin ang mga bagay – bagay dahil iyon ang “dapat”. Dahil yon ang expected na gagawin ko.

Mondays soaked in the basement of mirrors.

2006-01-20T05:33:00.000-08:00

This is what I’ve always wanted to have.
This is where I always wanted to go.
This is who I always wanted to be.

Looking at you. Listening to everything you say. Feeling every part of you inside my head. Drowning in my most kept thoughts. Dancing with the best of what I could become.

This is everything that I wanted.
Thank you so much for just being there.
Close enough to let me know that you’re for real,
But far enough for me to realize that I can never have you.

but still I would not be satisfied without saying this:

i love you.

NO. Got it?

2006-01-20T05:32:00.000-08:00

Though it’s always so much easier to just go on with the flow and say YES to whatever it is that the majority wants us to do, we could always say NO if we really don’t want to.

The only thing that makes it so hard for us to be brave enough to say NO is being true to what we believe in. For standing up and sticking to our principles and being just contented with the concept of having nothing and nobody else but ourselves – no matter what.

I’ll never be afraid to smack it right into your faces.
I’ll never be ashamed.
I’ll never feel sorry.

I know myself.

Paano pag nagkahiwalay na tayo?

2006-01-20T05:31:00.000-08:00

Yun na nga eh, I never fall out of love. Kahit iwanan pa ko. Kahit iwanan ko pa. Kahit lumipas pa ang mahabang panahon. Kahit wala ng saysay. Kahit wala ng pag-asa. Kahit may dumating na. Kahit marami na. Walang nagbabago o naluluma para saken. Wala akong binibitawan.

auto.

2006-01-18T22:14:00.000-08:00

this chatting thing depresses me sometimes.

imagine having to turn to a virtual reality where anything and everything is possible - except physical (and maybe emotional, spiritual) contact - just because the real world isn't any better. imagine having to surf for endless groups just to find someone to talk to about sensible things. imagine the scarcity of people in real time and space who are there for you to talk to, to flirt with, to get intimate with. imagine having to turn to somebody who you can never see nor feel nor even convince yourself that really exist.

nights like this makes me just want to surrender myself in these cream-coated walls; alone and cold than to face this bloody tragedy of having nobody to turn to but this fucking computer.

yeah, this techny revo doesn't really pulls us closer together, but instead it breaks us apart. it drives us away in our solitude, where crimson red is brighter and where time is just a matter of choice.

and nothing ever bores me more than the way this thing does.

dahil dito sa sementong kama, ako lang ang diyos.

2006-01-11T05:05:00.000-08:00

Sa loob ng pang-isahang flat sa isang lumang gusali.

Nakaupo sa sopa sa harap ng tv pero hindi naman talaga nanonood.
Dahil nasa magkabilang dulo, mistulang isang napakahabang highway ang sopa.
Sa paanan nito ay nakahandusay ang mga supot ng sitsiryang binuksan nga pero hindi man lang ginalaw.
Pinadidilim ng naglalakihang kurtina kahit pa ang mga singit nitong palasyong parisukat.
Mababakas sa karpet ang mga alikabok na mag-iisang linggo na ring magkasiping.
Noong una'y hindi pa nakakasamid ang katahimikan.

Oh, baket ka umiiyak?

Nakasampa ang dalawang paa sa sopa. Nakataas ang tuhod. Nakasubsob ang mukha dito.

Wala lang. Gusto ko lang. Kailangan bang may dahilan pa?

Patuloy ang pag-agos ng luhang may sariling salita.

Malalim at mas nakakasamid na katahimikan.
Lalapit at sasandal sa balikat. Kakapit sa braso ng mahigpit.

Gustong-gusto kita.

Lalong magpipilit kumawala ang mga luhang inalipin ng matagal na panahon.

Dalawang pares ng mata ang nangungusap sa isa’t-isa. Kapwa pinakikinang ng kani-kaniyang mga nagpupumiglas na alipin habang ang lahat ng bagay sa paligid ay naglalahong kasama ng mga damdaming sumasayaw sa saliw ng ngayon.

[kung ang buhay ay isang iskrip at ako ang awtor, malamang matagal ng nakasampay sa alaapaap ang eksena ng palasyo nating dalawa.]